GEEZUS episode 2
The second GRATE story of GEEZUS Episode 2 Mykull: even though it was an ERRY THANG BUGEL DOLLAN: just like GEEZUS Mykull: JUST LIKE THAT GUY I mean man he doesn't even know what is going on He just wakes up and realizes he messed something else up and now he's either got to be responsible about it or get his Dad to intervene Like that time he oppsidentally made all the peeps speak different word structures DOLLAN: marshmallow peeps? Mykull: yeah man even the pink kind and the yellow kind but not the blue ones man he cast those ones OUT I mean you don't even know the story about the Tower of Barbells do you It's pretty much all GEEZUS' fault You know eve started as an architect major and he comes up with this GRATE blueprint I mean we're talking just the nicest tower for everyone to live in it had central A/C DOLLAN: eve was a he this time? Mykull: it had a the best plumbing I don't know man, probably Eve was all about being a dude most of the time anyway Which was generally why Adam wasn't even interested and didn't care about being a nudist but that isn't the story I'm trying to tell I'm trying to tell you how GEEZUS and first year architectural student ended up wrecking the nicest thing he'd even imagined to have built and what I'm trying to say is that this building he thought of was so nice that all of the people who had been stabbing, and maiming, and even running one another over said MAN if we just had a nice place to live we wouldn't have to stab maim or even run things over we could just live in a nice place in the nicest way possible but the ancient world wasn't such a nice place to live so they kept doing the thing they were best at which was stabbing and maiming and running over and GEEZUS would have seen this but he was always too busy being hung over and sexually frustrated to care about his opps that created all of the everything earlier that semester and because of his lack of ability to notice the entire scope of everything that was happening around him it turns out he left a lot of things lying around and one of those things was his A++ blueprint for what he called''A Really Nice Building That I'd Party At'' Now ARNBTIPA was just super swell as I said before it had plubming and a/c and it was just the biggest so you'd think well if I live on the top floor, sure the view would be incredible but then all of those stairs....well GEEZUS had even thought about that too mostly because he was lazy and overweight and hated to walk up more than two flights of stairs and Geezus knew that if anyone would live at the top of ARNBTIPA it would be him So he also put plans for an elevator inside As it turns out once again, because of his carelessness and his obliviousness he screwed things up Geezus left his blueprints out he left them by the window and of course when a cosmic wind blew by as it tended to do during those warm summer days his blueprint for ARNBTIPA flew out the window and very lazily found it's way down to earth where all of the people Geezus had created had been killing and maiming and running each other over for as many years as those people could remember now there was one gentleman his name isn't really important and neither was his station because he could have either been a stabber, miamer, or runner overer and none of these stations in life were all that exciting but what was exciting was this piece of paper he found and what was contained therein and that was ARNBTIPA This gentleman assembled his fellow stabbers and maimers and runner overers and he said hey, this building is a really nice building that I'd like to party at and mostly everyone agreed and so in the days that followed many stabbers and miamers and runner overers were shown this blueprint for what was literally the greatest building ever conceived as far as they could tell and that would be true, because all of them lived in caves or mud and the richer ones lived in bigger caves or bigger mud and everyone agreed that the best thing to do was to build the building and they could all live in it and the stabbing and maiming and even the running over could end So mostly all of the people on our little rock got together and for once for one single moment everyone was working together working towards a bright future a future with central air and plumbing and even elevators and at about this time Geezus woke up still hung over still fat and still sexually frustrated that every show of manliness he displayed was some how outdone by someone else and even more recently his ARNBTIPA had been shown up by Gilgameshand that had not sat well with Geezus and so when he woke up hung over, fat, and frustrated he went to look for his blueprint to make revisions and additions and make ARNBTIPA+but he didn't find it and even though he only spent about 5 minutes looking it's probably better he didn't spend much longer than that because below and not too far below now were all of the people of our little rock working together in song and in joy to build the nicest building the ancient world had ever thought was a thing to build and this is when Geezus began to panicbecause then he remembered his father had said things to him but he remembered this thing specifically "Geezus, I'll tell you, there are 3 things you are never to do." Sent at 10:45 AM on Monday Mykull: "...and the second thing you are never to do is to give anything you've created knowledge and especially not your knowledge. I mean, I guess rudimentary stuff is ok, but don't let them think about machines and buildings. That wouldn't end well for us!" Well Geezus had done it he had given all of the people on our little rock knowledge knowledge of how to live in not-mud and not-caves and even worse than all of that was the fact that we had stopped stabbing and maiming and running over and that would lead to more free time for us and free time for us meant more thinking and more thinking meant more knowledge and Geezus realized at that moment why his father had done so many horrible things to his oppsicdental creation It was to keep them from thinking about things worth thinking about and that had been pretty effective and so Geezus sat there for about one more second and decidedhe had to do something and so he said something that is later misrepresented by Kirk Cameron he said What Would Dad Do? And Kirk Cameron of course heard What Would Geezus Do or at least Kirk Cameron's great great great great great Cameron mostly people aren't sure how long he's bee alive though, but that isn't so much as important as the fact that the whole thing was a misquote and all of the bumper stickers and shirts and aprons are just plain wrong so Geezus said, if these people are working together how can I make them unwork together and this was a hard riddle for Geezus to solve DOLLAN: is this where he made italians? Mykull: Yes, those ones, and all of the other Ians and Ese and Onians Because this is when Geezus realized that sometimes he stopped working entirely when he couldn't understand what was being said the exact situation he was thinking of is when he had called Izanagi to get sushi Izanagi was terrible at any language besides his own and so Geezus said if I make some people sound like Izanagi, and some people sound like Jupiter, and some people sound like Quetzalcoatl then it will make them stop working and they'll go back to stabbing and maiming and running over out of pure frustration well Geezus was a horrifying dolt He didn't realize that Izanagi and Jupiter and Quetzalcoatl didn't speak any differently than he did because in fact, all three of those deities were more proficient at language than Geezus ever was, but they all had speech impediments and if you were a drunk, lazy, slob who was completely unaffected by any condition but his own you'd probably mistake them for speaking gibberish and so Geezus gave the entire people of our little rock speech impediments and at that point DOLLAN: is that where spaces came from? Mykull: the glorious tower known to Geezus as ARNBTIPA essentially was undone and no space, that is a completely different matter that has nothing to do with the global speech impediment crisis created by Geezus and so people went back to stabbing and maimng and running overing but I lied about something earlier in the story that the station of the gentleman who had found the blueprint was unimportant you see his station might have been unimportant before ARNBTIPA had started but it was the most important when it ended he was Chief of Building ARNBTIPA and Geezus, in his infinite cruelty and his ability to be completely unaffected by the situations of others let this man be the only man without a speech impediment and so he spent the rest of his days in the partially finished building calling it the Tower of Barbells which was again misheard by the great great great great Cameron and was later called the Tower of Babel which was eventually printed into the New King James Franco Version of the bible DOLLAN: yeah but GEEZUS didn't even lift, bro Mykull: No he never did He's lazyand he's a jerk and no one is really sue why barbell was what that unimpeded gentleman called his tower DOLLAN: uh duh man it's because he was ATLAS and he was lifting the tower on his back Mykull: That could be true even I'm not aware of more than the Geezus stories DOLLAN: you may be the foremost genius historian of GEEZUS but I know the minor deities Mykull: and of course a lot of these leave out so much DOLLAN: and the minority dieties Mykull: oh man, maybe I'll put this to paperebook paper even I'll publish them for free on kindle and nook and everything even and let the hate mail flow through me and the copyright infringements Sent at 11:11 AM on Monday DOLLAN: Psh R-KANGLE MYKULL is pretty badass because he had an eyepatch like Snake Plisskin but he needed GEEZUS and some other buddies to make a FLYING V see because Angels, in those days, more closely resembled ducks than other birds and they were the mightiest of ducks now, of course, all scientists know that they resemble turkeys which makes the job of guardianship difficult but that's evolution for ya DOLLAN: of course, the reason Lou Sipper had to be kicked out of Olympustown was because he was a deciever the first deciever the first person he ever decieved was himself when he said that GEEZUS's father had promised him a turn as leader of all cosmos and some extra cosmoses this was untrue but Lou said it enough to believe it and then went around complaining about it loudlyand at night when people had their cosmic windows open to catch that cooling cosmic summer breeze and all they ended up hearing was an earful of bully and not even a nightful of sleep so they got grumpy and all went out to beat him up but then NO said the king of all cosmos that wouldn't be fair and just because we're all adult dieties aand he is just a chump kid the first CHUMP so he nominated his son GEEZUS, the small, to go and deal with the bully Sent at 11:31 AM on Monday Mykull: I pretty much completely lost it at that complaining loudly bit DOLLAN: but the king of all cosmos did something nobody had ever thought to do before him he gave his midget kid special powers see, aside from the king and magistrate ruler of all cosmos, everyone else in Olympustown was just average Ra was just a dude who moped and watered his garden with a hose Juno wore pants that were, objectively, too tight for her plush thighs even Dionysus was just a town drunk, a job he'd continue once he got booted to earth-rock so until the king bestowed powers on GEEZUS, everyone was just dece but with his special powers GEEZUS had all sorts of confusion after all, these were the first and only beings and nobody had or made an instruction manual for special powers so he kind of just had to guess Mykull: I'm absolutely dying DOLLAN: and while he could have easily smote the bully with a flaming sword or magical fire breath or a cerebral bore, he instead used the pansy technique of friendship which at that time was called double-bullying because nothing is more bullying than getting a bunch of friends to beat up a bully so GEEZUS invented some friends Joseph Smith John Baptiste John Milton and several other Johns and they called themselves GEEZUS's Witnesses Mykull: HAHAHA DOLLAN: and then they performed a flying V with their ice hockey skatesand smushed Lou of course, because Olympus wasn't on a cloud or up above things or the way you'd imagine it, because then you could see it if you went up high enough in a weather balloon (like Oz tried) or a tower (like Atlas tried) it was just in a big warehouse in another dimension with clouds and weather and skyboxes drawn in nicely to make it look like an appropriate habitat for the dieties that lived in the terrarium so when the witnesses shoved Lou, they hit the wall at the edge of the warehouseand smushed him into oblivion which wasn't another dimension back then but the noisy room next doorand they spackled up the hole nicely and boarded it up and painted it Sent at 11:41 AM on Monday Mykull: so hell is really the noisy room next door to Olympustown Sent at 11:43 AM on Monday DOLLAN: well I mean it's not hell it's oblivion and chaos it's just this really crowded room of junk and garbage and filth and excrement that they didn't know what to do with otherwise so they built hell even one room over from that a little room about 3x5x5 feet Mykull: which sounds coincidentally larger than pre-power Geezus DOLLAN: yes but smaller than you'd suppose Lou Siffer -- who had just renamed himself STAN -- and all of his Demented (not demonic) followers could live all 18 of them lived in that little cupboard for eternity which was coincidentally how long the story lasted too TO BE CONTINUED in MYKULL presents:GEEZUS III: RETURN OF THE REVENGE OF THE EPIC OF GEEZUS STRIKES BACKWARDS